Dear Zoe Murphy
by Ironicallycanon
Summary: What if Zoe had committed suicide instead of Connor? Beginning is a bit dull but it gets better I promise, rotating POV, rated T for language and suicide (obviously) TRIGGER WARNING
1. chapter 1

If there was one thing Evan had not wanted to do this morning, it was attempting to write a positive letter to himself. As he stared at the blank screen his mother's words ran through his head

"This will help build your confidence, Evan."

She'd said, only how could she have possibly known how hard that would be? Evan thought to himself

 _Of course she couldn't have known, because I've never told her, and even if I could, I'd probably still have to write them, only I'd have to make something up so that she'd feel better and -_

His thoughts were interrupted by his mother walking through his door. He shut the laptop and look up at her. She smiled warmly and sat down next to him, glancing at the computer.

"Have you been writing those letters to yourself? 'Dear Evan Hansen, today's gonna be a good day, and here's why.'"

He thought of the ten or so times he'd started writing a letter and then just given up after trying to find find a list of reasons that didn't exist. He gave her a small smile

"I started one," 

he replied quietly, looking down at his feet.

His mother drew him close to her and stroked his hair.

"Those letters are gonna help you build your confidence, honey." 

She said softly, kissing the top of his head and standing up.

 _How is writing a letter going to build my confidence?_

He wondered internally.

"I guess," 

He said finally.

"Hey, remember this year, were being optimistic. The world's not gonna fall apart, and this year we're going to stick it out okay? It's a new start, okay?"

She said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Hey I know, why don't you go around and ask the other kids to sign your cast?"

 _That is literally the last thing I'd **ever** want to do, mom._

He thought to himself. He looked up at his mother, whose face was so full of hope and she was trying so hard.

"That sounds perfect." 

He replied, sighing inwardly.

"I'm proud of you already."

She said. He slung his backpack onto his shoulder and walked out 

_Oh, good._

He thought as he walked out the door and hopped on to his bike.

"It's your senior year, Connor you're not missing the first day." 

The sound of his mom's voice snapped Connor out of his thoughts.

He thought of the first day, everyone trying to make friends and figure out where they fit in now, a year older than before, and shrunk into himself a little.

 _Yeah no, not happening._

He thought.

"I already said I'd go tomorrow,"

He replied, grabbing a piece of toast.

 _I've been explaining this since the summer began,_

He thought to himself.

 _I don't know why you're so surprised_

His mom looked over to his dad expectantly.

His dad just shrugged.

"He doesn't listen, look at him, he's probably high."

He glared at his dad. 

_I don't even get high until after noon_

He thought angrily.

It was a promise he'd made himself, one he rarely broke, unless he was having an especially shitty day, like today. 

"He's definitely high." 

Zoe spoke up from the opposite end of the table.

"Fuck you!" 

He yelled, standing up.

"Fuck you,"

She shot back, sticking her tongue out.

"Guys quit it. Connor, I don't want you going to school high."

 _Jackpot_.

"Perfect, so then I won't go. Thanks mom!" He called as he ran up the stairs to his room.

He could hear footsteps behind him and was surprised to see his dad when the door opened.

"Listen, I know you hate school and whatever, but it'd mean a lot to your mom if you went."

 _Yeah well, it'd mean a lot to me if you fucking listened to anything I said, ever,_

He fumed silently, crossing his arms. 

"Fine." 

He replied, grabbing his bag and stalking out. 

_Why the hell did Connor have to be such a dick?_

Zoe pondered as she grabbed her keys and backpack from the hook beside the door. 

_It's not like what I said wasn't true, and he's high ninety percent of the time anyways_

She thought angrily, 

throwing her bag onto the passenger seat of her car and starting it up. 

_At least people pay attention to him._

 _That's the problem with being strong,_

She thought sadly

 _Nobody asks if you're okay._

Just as she was pulling out, Connor ran up to the car, threw her backpack into the backseat and jumped over the door and into the car.

She raised her eyebrows at him, but didn't say anything. 

He shot her a look that said

 _"Don't fucking ask or this day will end with me pounding on your door and screaming at you."_

 _Wouldn't be the first time, brother dear_

She thought darkly.

As they pulled in to the school, she opened her mouth to apologize for earlier, but was interrupted by Connor jumping out of the car and running across the parking lot.

"Sorry, don't wanna be late!"

He called back, reaching the doors just as the bell rang.

 _Oh well, maybe later_ ,

She thought, but something told her that there probably wouldn't be a later.


	2. Chapter 2

_"Today is going to be a good day, Evan, and here's why."_

Evan whispered to himself as he walked through the halls of his school.

"Hey Evan, how's it going?"

A loud voice cut through the noise of people walking past.

Evan turned to see Jared walking towards him and breathed a small sigh of relief.

"It's - it's um, good actually."

He replied, fiddling with the hem of his shirt

"How was your summer?" 

Jared asked him, leaning down so Evan would have to look at him.

He recalled the previous months, which had largely consisted of him sitting in his room with the curtains drawn.

"It was, it was great, I got a lot done, had a great time."

He answered.

"Ah, spent the whole summer in your room, huh? That's cool."

Jared laughed, folding his arms.

"Well anyways, tell your mom that I was nice to you, otherwise my mom'll find out, and my car insurance won't get paid."

He said with a smile, doing finger guns at Evan and taking a step back.

At that moment, Evan became aware of the sudden lack of noise in the hall and turned towards the door, flinching slightly.

There were only a couple of things that would warrant this kind of silence at his school: some kind of disaster, 

or Connor Murphy.

It wasn't that people really hated him or anything, it was more that you never knew when he was going to explode and start screaming at people, so everyone just kind of stayed out of his way.

"Hey Connor!"

Everyone, that is, except for the insanely stupid, Jared Kleinman.

Connor looked over at Jared and Evan, and glared.

"I'm loving the hair, very school shooter-esque."

 _Oh no,_

Evan thought, looking down at his shoes and curling into himself.

Connor had gone still, but he had murder in his expression.

"Oh come on, I was joking,"

Jared laughed, leaning against Evan's locker.

"No it's funny, I'm laughing." 

Connor said in a monotone voice.

He took a step towards them.

"Am I not laughing hard enough?"

He asked in the same tone.

Evan flinched away slightly.

Jared rolled his eyes.

"What a psycho," 

Jared laughed as he walked away.

Evan let out a nervous laugh and looked back to Connor, who was now glaring daggers at him.

The smile vanished from Evan's face.

"What are you laughing at?"

Connor asked.

Evan shook his head and started fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

"What the fuck are you laughing at?"

Connor said loudly, starting towards Evan.

"Stop fucking laughing!" 

He yelled, pushing Evan onto the floor and storming off.

 _So much for making friends,_

Evan thought.

"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother, I saw him push you,"

Zoe apologized, gesturing to where Connor had run off.

"Evan, right?"

She asked, smiling. Evan looked completely stunned.

"Evan?"

He asked.

"That's your name."

Zoe replied, confused.

"Yes it is I know it's Evan, sorry."

He amended quickly.

"Why're you sorry?"

She asked.

"Well it's just that you said Evan and then I said Evan and it's just, I repeated it and, that is just so annoying when people do that."

He replied so quickly she almost didn't understand what he'd just said.

"I'm Zoe."

She reached her hand out.

He reached out to shake her hand, but then pulled it back and quickly wiped it on his shirt.

"Yeah no, I know."

He said, shutting his eyes and fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

You know?"

She wondered aloud.

 _I've never even talked to you before._

She thought.

"No, I just, I've seen you in jazz band and just I love jazz, well not all jazz, but definitely like jazz band and that's, that weird I'm sorry."

He turned red.

"You apologize a lot."

She said with a laugh.

After a moment she turned to walk away.

"Okay well I'll see you-"

"Doyouwannasignmycast"

"What?"

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"No you said something."

She replied.

"What me? No, no way... hosé."

He made a weird face and then turned and ran in the direction Connor had gone.

 _Okay, that was kind of weird, but whatever,_

Zoe thought to herself as she walked to class.

Connor tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and looked at himself in the mirror.

 _It's not that bad, is it?_

He wondered, reaching for a hair band on his wrist and coming up empty.

 _Why is everyone so fucking confusing_

He thought, digging through his bag for something to pull his hair back with.

After a minute, he set the bag on the sink and dug through to the bottom, finally coming up with a hair tie.

 _Well fuck that,_

He decided, pulling his hair back into a loose bun and slinging his bag back over his neck.

He replayed the mornings events over in his head. He felt a pang of guilt for pushing Evan onto the floor

 _I should probably go apologize to him_

He thought fleetingly, walking out of the bathroom. He checked the time on his phone.

It was about lunchtime, though he knew that Evan rarely ate lunch in the cafeteria,

Whether it was the sheer amount of people, the noise, or both, he had no idea, but it seemed to make him anxious nonetheless.

 _Although that might have changed in the past year or so,_

Connor thought to himself as he walked.

In the past year, he hadn't eaten in the cafeteria much, using that time instead to smoke for a couple of minutes behind the school.

Today though, he decided to go to the cafeteria on the off chance that Evan would be there.

As he walked into the room, it quieted considerably; something that didn't go unnoticed by Connor, though he would never admit it.

 _Stop staring, do you guys have nothing else to do?_

He wondered as he sat down at an empty table in the corner and opened his lunch bag.

 _Four years, and it's still just a sandwich._

He thought as he pulled out the sandwich and bottle of water that his mom had packed him.

He usually just threw the bag in the trash on the way home every day, which was one of the thousands of reasons his mother was always mad at him.

"If you don't want it, just bring it home and someone else will eat it."

She would tell him, standing in his doorway.

He could have just not told her, but he just didn't care anymore.

As he looked around, he noticed a few familiar faces. He hadn't really cared to make friends in high school, but he saw people he'd known in middle school.

It didn't really make him sad, but people didn't want to be friends with the druggie problem child, and that was fine.

 _If you hate everyone already,_

he thought, somewhat angrily.

 _it doesn't hurt when they hate you too,_


	3. Chapter 3

After school finally ended, Connor went to look for Evan to apologize.

 _I mean he already hates me, what's the worst that can happen?_

He thought as he poked his head into the theater, where the drama kids were chatting.

As he walked down the hall, looking into a classroom every few paces, he rehearsed his apology, whispering softly.

"Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for-"

He paused.

 _What am I apologizing for? Yelling at him? pushing him?_

"For being a dick earlier."

He shook his head as he turned a corner, nearly colliding with someone else. He turned to see who it was, and was surprised to see Jared, who had barely glanced at him and was walking away, his nose buried in a book.

"Hey!" 

Connor called, running to catch up with him.

Jared turned his head, raising his eyebrows and stopping.

"What do you want?"

He said, rolling his eyes and returning to his book.

"Do you know where Evan is?"

Jared looked up at him sharply.

"What, did you not think pushing him once was enough?"

He asked mockingly, closing his book.

Connor glared at him.

"Just tell me where he is."

He said shortly.

"Whatever, I would try the computer lab. He spends a lot of time in there."

Jared replied, opening his book and walking away.

Connor shook his head and started walking

towards the computer lab.

He had spent a lot of time in there a year or two ago, although not for the reasons most other people had.

 _Please be here,_

He thought as he opened the door softly.

He scanned the room for Evan, craning his neck to see over all the cubicles before spotting a blue shirt.

He took a deep breath and went over what he was going to say quickly.

 _Heyevanimsorryipushedyputhatwasadickmove_

He nodded and started making his way around the desks.

He paused when he heard someone muttering .

Peeking his head around the corner, he saw Evan, hunched over one of the computers, gesturing wildly with his hands, and talking softly to himself.

 _What the hell?_

Connor thought to himself, looking around to see if there was anyone else in the room.

His eyes landed on a piece of paper coming out of the printer. 

_That's gotta be his, I'll just give it to him and apologize._

He thought, grabbing the paper and walking swiftly around the corner, colliding with Evan, who had apparently finished his conversation, knocking them both to the floor.

He untangled himself from Evan and stood up, offering his hand to the boy on the floor.

Evan looked up at him questioningly for a moment, before slowly reaching out his hand and letting Connor pull him up. 

He bent over to pick up his backpack off the floor, and Connor noticed that he had a cast on

 _Shit did he have that before?_

He thought, panicking for a moment before realizing that

 _Of course he had it, I didn't break his arm._

He noticed that no one had signed the cast.

"What happened to your arm?"

He asked, folding his arms so Evan wouldn't see the piece of paper.

"I uh, fell out of a tree."

Evan replied, nodding to himself and cradling his arm.

There was an awkward silence.

Connor noticed that Evan was carrying a marker. He suddenly felt sorry for him, realizing that he probably didn't have many friends

"Can I sign it?"

He asked, reaching for Evan's

arm.

Evan held out out his hand and gave him the marker.

Connor put the cap between his teeth and pulled the marker out, before writing his name in giant letters.

He capped the marker and handed it back to Evan, who looked surprised as he tucked the marker into his backpack.

Connor offered him a small smile before saying,

"There. Now we can both pretend we have a friend."

He said, sounding harsher than he'd meant to.

Evan smiled back.

"Yeah,"

He replied somewhat sadly, looking down at his shoes.

Connor remember the paper and held it out to him.

"Is this yours? I saw it and-"

His eye caught on the word "Zoe",

And he frowned, pulling the paper back and reading out loud, getting angrier.

"What is this?"

He asked Evan, who looked like he was shrinking into himself.

"Uh, it's a- um-"

Evan stammered.

Connor took a step closer to him, and he stumbled back, tripping over his own foot and falling onto the floor.

He looked up at Connor helplessly,

And another wave of pity rolled over him.

He shoved the paper into his pocket, and stormed out of the room, running out of the school. He knew Zoe had jazz band after school and wouldn't be leaving for a couple of hours, and started walking home.

It was a twenty-minute drive, so he knew walking would take a while.

 _Plenty of time to wallow in regret,_

He thought, rolling his eyes and slinging his bag over his neck.

Evan got up from the floor.

 _Third time today,_

He thought as he gathered his things.

 _That's gotta be a record,_

He slung his backpack over his shoulders and walked out of the room.

He sat down on a ledge in front of the school, waiting for his mom, who was supposed to pick him up for therapy.

He checked his phone for the time and looked around. No car in sight.

 _Thirty minutes late._

He sighed and hopped off the ledge, turning to walk home. Thankfully he only lived about ten minutes away on foot, so he would have to walk _that_ far.

He reached the door, he fumbled for his keys.

He unlocked the door and stepped inside,

Dropping his backpack by the door and walking into the kitchen.

His mom had left money for him to order food, but ordering food required talking on the phone, and eventually talking to someone at the door. His stomach flipped at the thought.

He checked the fridge.

There was a bottle of ketchup and a package of cheese. He closed the fridge and glanced at the money, shaking his head.

 _Guess I'm not eating dinner._

He resigned, opening the fridge again and grabbing a piece of cheese before jogging up the stairs to his room.

He slumped onto the bed and opened his computer, checking his email, not surprised to find it empty.

He remembered that he was supposed to have written a letter for his therapist,

 _Since Connor took it._

He opened up notes and started writing.

It was supposed to be a positive letter, but at the moment, Evan definitely didn't feel positive, and gave up after a couple of minutes.

 _Not like it actually matters,_

Thought to himself, closing the computer and setting it on his nightstand.

He turned off the lamp and curled up on his bed, closing his eyes.

Zoe could smell the weed before she walked in the door.

 _If you're going to smoke pot,_

She thought angrily as she unlocked the door and walked in,

 _The least you can do is not smoke it in the fucking house._

She dropped her backpack by the door, and walked upstairs with her guitar case. 

"Connor!"

She called as she reached the top of the stairs.

No answer.

 _Probably passed out on the bathroom floor._

She thought bitterly.

The smell got stronger as she got closer to the bathroom.

She sighed and walked into her room, setting down the case and heading to the bathroom.

She paused in front of the door and took a deep breath, shouldering open the door.

She couldn't see much at first, the smoke was pretty thick, but after a moment her eyes adjusted and found Connor - who was, exactly as she'd guessed - passed out on the floor, a piece of crumpled paper in his hand.

 _He's gonna kill himself one of these days,_

She thought as she stepped out of the bathroom to take another breath, and then walked over to Connor, hooked her hands under his arms, and dragged out of the bathroom and into the hallway.

She propped him against the wall and went back into the bathroom. She opened the windows of the room and turned on the fan, before walking out and closing he door behind her. She slapped his cheek gently, just to make sure he was still alive.

His eyes fluttered open for a moment,

Before they rolled back into his head and he moaned softly.

Zoe rolled her eyes and hooked her hands under his arms again, dragging him through the hallway and into his room, where she laid him down on the floor.

As she looked back at him before walking out of the room,

She felt a fleeting surge of pity, which was quickly replaced by anger.

 _Why is it my job to make sure you don't kill your self?_

She thought, slamming the door behind her and walking back to the bathroom to throw away whatever drugs he'd left.

She paused when she heard a crinkle under her feet, looking down to see the paper that Connor had been holding.

She picked it up, quickly skimming through it, catching her name. 

_What is this?_

She wondered.

It was addressed to Evan Hansen.

 _The boy he pushed?_

 _Is this a suicide note?_

He didn't look like he was trying to kill himself, but you never knew with Connor.

He'd slit his wrists in ninth grade, and they'd managed to get him to the hospital before he'd bled out, but he hadn't tried since then.

She remembered being yelled at afterwards by her parents, because she'd been at home with him when it had happened.

 _Like it was my fault Connor's an idiot._

She'd thought to herself.

She shook her head, clearing away the memory, before shoving the letter in her pocket and returning to the cabinet to throw out Connor's drugs.

He often got angry at her for doing this, screaming at her through her locked door.

She did it anyway, partly to piss him off, and partly because if anyone else found the drugs, their family could be ripped apart, and partly, though she wouldn't admit it, because she knew he didn't care about his own life, and _someone_ had to. It was unfortunate though, that that job fell to her.

She dug around in the cabinets, pausing when she saw a bottle of pills that her dad had been taking for his back. She looked at it for a moment before shaking her head and started digging around again, eventually finding the bag of weed that Connor had stashed in the back of the cabinet.

She opened the bag and dumped it out the window, throwing the now empty bag in the trash. 

She returned to the cabinet, pausing again when she saw the pills.

 _I could do it._

She thought to herself.

She knew her parents wouldn't be home for a long time, and who knew when Connor would wake up. 

She grabbed the bottle and unscrewed the lid.

 _Let him find me passed out for once._

She thought bitterly, 

_I'm done._

She decided, walking to her room 

and shutting the door behind her.


	4. Chapter 4

Connor was the only one home when Zoe collapsed. He sat with her in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, where they tried unsuccessfully to bring her back from death.

He was the only one in the waiting room when the doctor came in to tell him that they hadn't been able to help her.

"She was just too far gone."

The woman told him sadly, her eyes watering slightly.

 _You didn't even know her._

He thought bitterly.

Out loud, he only said,

"Thank you."

He turned without another word and walked out of the hospital.

He tried calling his parents again.

No answer.

 _And no surprise there._

He thought with a humorless laugh, and then collapsed onto the ground.

The image of Zoe laying lifeless in a hospital bed was seared into his head.

He knew she was dead, even before the ambulance arrived.

Her heart was still beating, sure, but she was dead.

 _Has been for a long time._

Connor thought of the dead eyes and empty smile that he had noticed she often wore. He thought of the marks on her thighs that he'd noticed whenever she wore track shorts around the house. He hadn't been under any illusion that they'd come from anything but herself, but hadn't really cared enough to ask about them.

He laid in the middle of the road, staring up at the stars, thinking about the marks on his own arms and legs.

She definitely knew about his marks, he'd seen her eyeing them enough times, and she knew he'd tried to off himself.

 _I guess she didn't care enough either._

He laughed, but it came out as more of a sob.

He closed his eyes and put his arms over his head.

 _I'm gonna get run over._

He thought to himself,

But didn't get up.

And he laid there, letting his tears fall freely.

Tears for the friendship they'd never had, tears for the things he hadn't said, for the things he'd never be able to say.

The things that he'd been tooo far away to tell her.

 _You had such a nice smile._

He thought, thinking of the way it lit up her face. He hadn't seen that smile often, Zoe usually saved it for people who she cared about, and if there was anyone that didn't make that list, it was her drug-addicted brother.

He'd never figured out how to talk to her, after the years of not talking, it just seemed like too much time, so he hadn't.

He remembered the letter Zoe had been holding when he'd found her.

He'd hastily shoved it into his pocket, and he'd forgotten it completely until now. He took the crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket and read it quickly. Another sob wracked his body, and he folded the piece of paper and shoved it back into his pocket.

He tried to make himself stand up, but couldn't.

 _Thirty seconds._

He told himself.

 _You get thirty seconds, and then you're gonna get up, stop crying, and walk home._

He started counting.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

He let out another sob, running his hands through his hair.

15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20.

He took a shaky breath, and let it out slowly.

25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30.

He stood up slowly, and wiped his eyes with his sleeve.

He pulled his hair up into a ponytail,

Brushing the loose strands behind his ears.

And then he started walking.


	5. Chapter 5

Evan was waiting for his mom to pick him up outside the school when he noticed Zoe's mom and dad driving up.

 _That's strange._

He eyed them somewhat suspiciously, watching them as they parked and got out of their car.

It was odd enough that they had come to the school, since Zoe had a car, but it was stranger still that both of them had showed up.

They seemed to be looking around for something.

 _Or someone._

Evan hadn't seen Zoe that day, not that he was looking, but still.

Her mom looked at Evan, nudging her husband, who looked over as well.

Evan looked down and started fiddling with his backpack.

He glanced back up to see both of them walking towards him.

 _Did I do something?_

He couldn't think of anything he'd done, but 

stood up anyways, grabbing his backpack and hurrying towards the front doors.

"Evan!"

He heard a woman's voice calling.

He froze, feeling his face go red.

He turned around slowly.

Zoe's parents were heading towards him, walking quickly.

"Yes?" 

He asked, offering a nervous smile.

"I'm Cynthia. this is Larry, my husband.

We're Zoe's parents."

Her voice caught when she said Zoe's name, and Evan's heart skipped a beat.

 _What happened?_

"N-nice to meet you."

She reached out her hand, and Evan reached out his own to shake hers.

 _Sweaty hands._

He pulled his hand away and scratched his neck awkwardly.

"Doyouneedsomethingimeanyouprobably dootherwiseyouwouldn'tbetalkingtomeandi'msorry."

He laughed nervously.

Cynthia took a shaky breath.

"It's Zoe."

Evan's breathed hitched in his throat

 _Something's seriously wrong._

"She committed suicide over the weekend. We're so sorry."

He froze.

She handed him the paper, and he started reading it.

 _This is mine._

He was confused.

 _Why do they have my letter?_

 _Did Connor give it to them?_

He couldn't imagine why Connor would have given it to them.

"Where did you get this?"

He asked them.

Evan heard the door open behind him.

He turned around to see who it was.

Connor was standing in the doorway, looking between Evan and his parents, his eyes wide.

"It was Zoe's..."

Cynthia took another breath.

"Note. Her suicide note."

She started shaking, and her husband pulled her close.

"This isn't, this is m-"

Evan was cut off by Connor grabbing his arms and hauling him backwards.

"Evan! I need you really quickly."

He pulled him into the school and around a corner.

"What are you do-"

"You cannot tell them where that letter came from."

Connor said, peering around the corner.

Evan looked at him incredulously.

"It isn't a suicide note."

Evan replied bleakly.

Connor raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, _I_ know that, where do you think they got the letter?"

He said, tapping the piece of paper that Evan was holding. 

Then why do they think it's a suicide note?"

Evan asked him, uncrumpling the paper and staring at it.

"They found me reading it."

Connor replied, staring at the letter as well.

"And you didn't tell them?"

Evan folded his arms.

"Obviously not."

Connor muttered with a sigh.

Evan shook his head.

"Well they deserve to know."

He said, walking around the corner.

Connor grabbed his backpack and dragged him back around the corner.

"No you're not." 

Connor told him, pushing him against the wall.

"Then you need to."

Evan shot back.

Connor furrowed his brows.

"Yeah you're right, I'll just tell them that their daughter had no friends, that no one really liked her, and that she killed herself leaving no reason or explanation." 

He sighed.

"Look, all you have to do is say you were friends, and it'll all blow over in a week, okay?"

Connor dropped his arms, looking down at his feet.

 _This is a really bad idea._

Evan let out a deep breath.

"Okay."

He said.

Connor looked at him hopefully.

"Okay."

He echoed, smiling.

Having people over for dinner was always awkward.

Most of the time, their family didn't eat together, and if they did, it was sat on the couches in the living room, watching tv. 

Connor had tried to stop his parents from inviting Evan over to eat.

"I'm sure he'd rather not be interrogated."

He'd told his parents, looking to Evan for support.

The kid had just stood there, frozen like a fucking deer in the headlights.

"No Connor, if he was friends with Zoe, we'd love to have him. Is Friday okay?"

His mom had asked, looking at Evan.

Connor had shook his head violently behind his parents, mouthing 

_No._

But Evan had just nodded his head. And now here they were, sitting awkwardly around the table, poking at their food.

"So, you and Zoe were friends?"

His dad asked Evan, who nodded silently.

 _All you have to do is nod._

That's what Connor had told Evan when he'd met him at the door.

"That's great. We didn't know Zoe had friends."

His dad said softly.

"Did you guys talk often? I never saw you at the house."

His mom asked Evan.

Evan looked over at Connor briefly. 

"All the time actually, but we didn't come here very often."

Connor closed his eyes.

 _Why didn't you just nod?_

"Then where did you guys hang out?"

His mom asked.

"Well, um, lots of different places actually."

Evan replied.

"Like where? Would you mind telling us?"

His moms eyes were watering.

"Um, well one time we went to the old orchard. In the spring. It was a pretty perfect day, actually."

He said, and Connor noticed he wasn't talking as fast as usual.

 _Just quit while you're ahead._

He thought to himself.

His parent leaned in closer, clearly wanting to hear more.

Evan took a deep breath.

 _Just stop talking,_

"Well we found a nice spot, and just sat. We could talk about anything with each other."

Evan laughed.

"We were there most of the day."

Connor's parents apparently weren't done listening, and they pressed him for more.

"Well, later that day, she started climbing trees. I didn't want to, but she got me up there anyways.

"Then we found a really big tree. She started climbing, and I climbed behind her slowly.

When we got to the top, she told me to look out at the sky.

I felt like I was flying.

And then the branch beneath me broke."

Evan closed his eyes.

 _Where did you come up with this?_

Connor wondered.

"When I hit the ground, my head hurt, and I couldn't feel my arm. She got me up, and took me to the hospital."

He opened his eyes, looking around at their faces. 

His mom was smiling, her eyes wet.

His dad was wiping his eyes hastily.

He looked over at Evan, who was looking at him steadily. Connor smiled slightly.

 _We're fucking doomed._

He thought to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

"What the hell was that?"

Connor waved his hand wildly.

"I - I don't know, I just panicked."

Evan responded, looking around desperately, though he wasn't sure what he was looking for.

"You told them you guys emailed each other."

Connor said, closing his eyes and tilting his head back.

"I told you, just nod your head. You would've been fine."

 _They're going to wanna see the emails._

Evan realized, his stomach flipping.

"Well they're gonna want to see the emails now, so thanks a lot, genius."

Connor slumped onto his bed.

"But there aren't any."

Evan said, sitting in the floor.

Connor lifted his head up and raised an eyebrow.

"No duh,"

He muttered, propping his head up with his arm. He looked up at the ceiling.

Evan followed his gaze, noticing that there were stars stuck to it, along with a couple of posters showing various things.

Connor sat up suddenly, making Evan jump.

"Jared."

He said, looking at Evan.

"Jared?"

Evan repeated.

 _How is Jared the solution?_

He wondered.

Connor rolled his eyes at the confused look Evan had.

"He can probably do stuff like that, right?"

He asked.

Evan thought for a minute.

Jared probably _could,_ the question was, would he? 

"I don't know."

He replied.

Connor stood up from the bed and walked out of the room.

He reappeared a moment later, his eyebrows raised.

"Coming?" 

He asked impatiently.

Evan stood up and followed him down the stairs and to the garage.

Connor grabbed some keys from a hook and strolled over to one of the cars.

"Where are we going?"

Evan asked from the doorway, as Connor opened the car door.

"Jared's. Get in."

He replied, swinging into the seat.

"I don't think that's a good idea,"

Evan began, fiddling with his shirt hem.

"It'll be fine."

Connor said, starting the car.

"Yeah, but what if they're eating dinner or something, or he's not home, or -"

"It'll be fine, get in the car."

Connor replied impatiently.

Evan didn't move.

Connor sighed and got out of the car, strolling over to Evan.

He met his eyes and smiled.

"It's gonna be fine,"

He grabbed Evan's arms and nodded.

"If he's busy, we'll just leave and come back later."

Evan sighed.

"Now,"

Connor said, pulling Evan over to the passenger side of the car.

"Get in."

He walked over to his side. and got back in.

Evan opened his door and got in, buckling his seat belt and closing the door behind him.

"Do you actually have a license?"

Evan asked as they drove along.

Connor glanced over at him and raised his eyebrows.

"Do you think I'd break ever the law?"

He replied indignantly.

 _Yes, actually._

Evan thought to himself, but kept quiet.

"No, I don't. I know how to drive, of course, but mother and father thought it would be a bad idea for their drug-addicted son to be able to go places, so..." 

Connor trailed off, his eyes watching the road carefully.

"Are you?"

Evan asked tentatively.

"Am I What?"

Connor asked absentmindedly.

"You know, addicted."

Evan said.

Connor furrowed his eyebrows thoughtfully.

"Not addicted, no."

He replied after a minute.

"Not that it actually matters, of course."

He added.

Evan sat quietly for a minute before saying,

"It matters."

Connor looked at him sharply.

"To me, anyways, it matters."

He amended quickly.

Connor made a short sound, and turned the corner, pulling into a driveway.

"We're here."

Was all he said.

Connor rang the doorbell and stepped back, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at Evan, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, and kept glancing over at him.

It was getting somewhat annoying.

 _This guy better answer the door soon,_

Connor thought to himself, feeling slightly nervous.

"Evan, you're giving by me second-hand anxiety, stop."

Evan looked at him, then looked away just as quickly.

Connor rang the doorbell again.

"Maybe he's not home?"

Evan asked somewhat hopefully.

Connor shook his head.

"It's a school night, and he has no friends."

He replied.

Evan opened his mouth to protest, but closed it after Connor shot him a glare.

The door opened suddenly, and Jared squinted at them.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He asked, mostly to Connor.

"Are your parents home?"

Connor asked, peering past him.

"Look at me,"

Jared replied, gesturing at himself.

Connor rolled his eyes, but complied.

Jared was in his boxers, and he had a small glass in one hand, which was filled with an amber liquid. 

"Now ask me again."

Jared pushed his glasses farther up his nose.

"Yeah, okay."

Connor said, grabbing Evan's arms and shouldering his way past Jared.

"Hey!" 

He called after them, but they were already inside.

Connor pulled Evan past the entryway and

up a flight of stairs, where he started opening doors until he found what had to be Jared's room.

He folded his arms and waited for Jared to catch up to them.

He appeared in the doorway after a minute.

"What the hell?"

He asked, panting slightly.

"Can you forge emails?"

Connor asked, ignoring the question.

Jared huffed, sitting down at his desk and setting his glass down.

"Of course."

He replied, opening his laptop.

Evan let out a loud sigh of relief, making Connor, who had almost forgotten about the poor kid, look over at him.

He was standing near the door, looking uncomfortable and likely to bolt at any second.

"For a fee, of course."

Jared said, bringing Connor's attention back to him.

He raised his eyebrows and put his hands on his hips.

 _Oh hell no._

"How much?"

Evan piped up from the doorway.

Jared smirked.

"Two grand."

He replied smugly.

Evan's face fell.

"I don't have that kind of money."

He said helplessly.

Jared folded his arms.

"Too bad then."

Connor crossed the room and pushed Jared up against the wall, pinning him up by his shirt collar.

"Connor, this is kind of passionate, don't you think?"

Jared whispered, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

 _That's it, I'm decking him._

Connor thought to himself.

Evan, seeming to realize what Connor was about to do, jumped in.

"I've got twenty."

He said desperately.

"Deal."

Jared agreed, wiggling his eyebrows at Connor again.


	7. Chapter 7

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

 _We haven't talked in forever, I've been so busy with everything, I wish we could talk more, and I'm sure you're very busy as well._

 _I think of you each night, though,_

 _I close eyes and my rub my_

"No!"

Exclaimed Evan and Connor simultaneously.

Jared snickered, backspacing.

"Why would you write that?"

Evan was looking at the floor.

"Hey, I'm just trying to be truthful.

Why would you guys be emailing each other secretly?"

Evan flushed red and covered his face with his hands.

"Because we were friends."

He answered.

"Oh right, just one of those secret email accounts."

Jared said sarcastically.

"That's disgusting,"

Evan said from behind his hands.

Jared raised his hands.

"There's nothing disgusting about the love one person feels for another."

He laughed.

"I'll do it."

Connor cut in, snatching the laptop out of Jared's hands.

 _I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard,_

"Hard?"

Jared scoffed.

Connor backspaced quickly.

 _Has been bad_ ,

"Bad?"

Jared interrupted.

Connor rolled his eyes, huffing.

 _Has been rough._

Kinky!"

Jared nodded his head as if in approval.

 _I miss talking with you about life and other things._

"Very specific,"

Jared commented. 

"Shut up!"

Connor snapped.

 _I like my parents,_

"Who says that?"

Jared asked, gesturing with his hands.

 _I love my parents, but each day's another fight._

 _If I stopped getting drunk, then everything might be fine_

"Did Zoe drink?"

Evan asked.

Connor waved a hand dismissively.

"Doesn't matter."

He replied.

Evan shook his head.

"Of course it matter, These emails have to be perfect, this doesn't even sound like Zoe."

Connor raised an eyebrow.

"Oh because you knew Zoe, right?"

He asked incredulously.

"I just.."

Evan trailed off.

"They'll believe anything you tell them, it doesn't matter."

Connor reassured him.

Jared walked over and took the computer back.

"I can finish this."

 _I'll try what you said, be more nice. I'm getting better, I promise._

 _I just have to... fix myself._

 _Sincerely, me._

 _Ps My brother's hot._

"What the hell?"

Connor stood up.

Jared laughed and backspaced.

Evan stepped between them.

"Are we done now?"

Jared said with a yawn.

"Well we can't just show them one email, dumbass, we have to prove they were actually friends."

Connor said.

Jared sighed theatrically.

Connor rolled his eyes and nodded to Evan.

"Your turn."

Jared sighed and placed his hands on the keyboard, looking at Evan expectantly.

 _Dear Zoe Murphy, I miss talking as well._

 _Stop drinking, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks._

"No,"

Jared said.

 _I'm sending pictures of the prettiest trees._

"No,"

Jared repeated.

 _You'll be impressed with all my forest knowledge._

"Absolutely not."

Jared scoffed.

Evan shook his head.

"Just fix it."

 _I'm super proud of you, just keep on working, you'll turn yourself around, I can see._

 _You can make this work, I believe in you._

 _Sincerely, me._

"That's fine, I guess."

Jared shook his head.

"That's enough for now."

Connor rubbed his temple, standing up and stretching.

He walked over to the doorway. Turning around,

He nodded to Evan, who stood as well and made for the door.

"Wait a minute, you guys owe me twenty bucks."

Jared closed his computer and smiled brightly.

Connor rolled his eyes and held his hand out to Evan, who fumbled in his pocket before producing a twenty dollar bill and placing it in Connor's hand.

Connor crumpled the paper and threw it on the floor, grabbing Evan and pulling him out the door after him.

By the time Connor had dropped Evan off and driven home, all the lights in the house were off.

He didn't have a key to the house, so he climbed the tree in front of the house.

He hopped onto the roof, clambering in through his window and tumbling onto the floor.

The lights flipped on to reveal his parents, sitting on his bed.

He cursed under his breath.

"Have you guys really been sitting here in the dark all this time?"

He turned to shut the window.

"Connor where were you?"

His mom asked, folding her arms.

 _Oh I'm in for it now._

He thought sarcastically.

"I was out with a friend."

He replied simply. That much was true, and they didn't really need the specifics, not that he'd tell them even if they asked, but whatever.

"You don't have a license."

His dad stated.

"Yes, thank you for the observation. You _were_ the judge for that decision."

Connor threw his bag on the bed behind his parents.

"Connor, where were you actually?"

He looked over at his mom, who had a knowing look on her face.

 _She thinks she's got it all figured out._

He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it looks like you've got it all figured out, so it doesn't matter what I say, does it?"

He shook his head, laughing bitterly.

"Connor, were you out..."

His dad trailed off, sighing.

"Was I out buying drugs?"

Connor finished for him.

"No, I wasn't."

He answered.

"Then where were you?"

His mom raised her voice.

"I was out with a friend."

Connor raised his voice to match hers.

"Connor don't use that tone with your mother."

His dad interjected.

"We just want to help,"

His mom's eyes were watering.

He sighed loudly.

"I don't need your help!"

He yelled,

Grabbing his bag off the bed.

"I'm not this broken _thing_ that you need to fix!"

He gestured wildly with his arms.

"Well normal people don't do drugs on a daily basis, Connor!"

His dad yelled back.

His mom was in tears now, covering her face with her hands.

"I'M NOT NORMAL, OKAY?"

Connor yelled,

Storming out of his room, running down the stairs and out the back door.

He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his bag and lit one, taking a long drag.

He blew out the smoke, watching as it's tendrils curled up into the air.


	8. Chapter 8

Evan was watching tv when he heard the knock on his door.

He checked his phone.

2:34

It was late, but his mom wouldn't be home until the morning - she'd picked up an overnight shift.

 _So who's at the door?_

He wondered,

His heart racing.

 _Okay, if someone was going to hurt you, they wouldn't knock on the door._

He took a deep breath, but still ran to the kitchen to grab a rolling pin before going to the door.

He looked through the peephole.

 _Connor?_

The boy was shifting from foot to foot uncomfortably, his hands in his pockets.

Evan let the hand holding the rolling pin drop to his side.

Sighing with relief, he unlocked the door and opened it.

"I know it's late, but I - why are you holding a rolling pin?"

Connor was looking at Evan's hand.

"Its two thirty."

He replied.

"I don't think someone with intent to harm would knock it on the door."

Connor stated.

"Why are you here?"

Evan asked.

"I had a fight with my parents, I was wondering if I could crash here."

He shifted from one foot to the other.

"Just tonight, of course."

Connor added hastily.

"Sure, yeah."

Evan replied, stepping to the side so Connor could walk in.

He stood awkwardly in the hall, watching as Evan shut and locked the door.

"The living room's in there,"

He pointed.

Connor didn't move.

"Oh come on."

Evan grabbed his sleeve and pulled him into the room.

He sat down on the couch slowly.

"Um, we don't have food right now, but we can order something I guess.

I mean you'll have to order, since I can't, we might have some tea?"

"I'm good actually, but thanks."

Connor replied 

"So your parents won't mind if I stay here?"

He asked somewhat awkwardly.

Evan shook his head.

"My mom picked up a night shift, so no."

Connor nodded his head slowly.

"She's a nurse, but she's going to law school."

Evan added.

"And your dad won't mind either?"

Connor's leg was jumping rapidly.

Evan was quiet for a moment.

"Yeah no, he's not here much either, so no."

He finally responded.

"Mm."

was all Connor said.

"Do you want anything? We have some tea I think."

Evan repeated.

"I'll take some water."

Connor replied.

Evan started towards the kitchen.

He paused at the doorway.

"Actually,"

He turned to look back a Connor.

"My dad left when I was eight, I don't know why I said that."

Connor nodded in understanding.

"But I mean, he still probably doesn't mind."

Evan added before walking out.

He walked across to the hall to the kitchen, opening up one of the old cabinets and grabbing a glass.

Setting it down on the counter, he opened the freezer to get some ice, when he closed the door, He noticed Connor standing in the doorway.

He yelled loudly, dropping the ice.

Connor jumped too, rushing over to help pick it up.

He picked up the handful and dumped it in the sink.

"Why aren't you in the living room?"

Evan asked, throwing his handful of ice in the sink as Connor bent down to pick up the last couple pieces.

"I was curious, I've never been - rag- to your house."

Evan threw him the cloth.

He wiped up the water, standing up and throwing it back into the sink.

He leaned against the countertop, peering around.

"I like your kitchen."

Evan looked around at the small room, taking in the dented fridge, (his dad had had anger issues), the old cracked cabinets, and the floor, which was stained from his mom's various attempts at cooking.

"Thank you?"

He replied, shrugging. 

Connor filled up the glass with water, taking a long sip.

"I've never seen your kitchen."

Evan made an attempt at conversation.

"Oh it's huge."

Connor replied.

"That's nice, I'll bet you guys cook a lot."

Evan replied.

Connor shook his head.

"Never. My parents just like spending money on shit they don't need." 

Connor smiled brightly, pulling himself up onto the counter.

"So, how'd you break it?"

He gestured to Evan's arm.

Evan looked down at his cast, Connor's name written in giant letters.

"Oh I fell out of a tree."

He responded after a minute.

"You fell out of a tree?"

Connor echoed.

"Yeah, I um, well I was climbing and a branch just snapped."

Connor nodded.

"Did you like Zoe?"

He asked suddenly.

"What? Why would you think that?"

Evan responded, talking quickly.

Connor raised an eyebrow.

"You literally waited outside the door for an hour after one of her concerts to talk to her."

He replied.

"And you didn't even talk to her."

He shook his head, taking another sip from his glass.

"You noticed that? I don't even know you were there."

Connor jumped off the counter, opening a random cabinet.

"Yeah, well people don't talk to me, and I've become quite the observer."

He dug around the cabinet before closing it and opening a different one.

"Also my parents made me go."

He added.

"What are you doing?"

Evan asked as he opened another one.

"Just looking."

He answered.

"Well you're leaving them open."

Evan said, walking behind Connor, closing the 

Doors.

When Connor had finished with the cabinets, he moved on to the fridge, and then to the oven. He even opened the microwave.

He nodded finally and hopped back onto the counter.

"She was pretty great, huh?"

He asked Evan.

He nodded.

"Yeah, she was."

He replied sadly.

They were still for a moment.

"Okay, this is depressing me, where's your room?"

Connor asked, hopping off the counter again.

"Upstairs, at the end of the hall."

Connor walked out of the room.

Evan followed him up the stairs, racing past him to beat him to the door.

"It's a mess."

He told Connor.

The boy nodded.

"I figured."

He opened the door and walked inside.

Evan followed him.

Connor looked around.

The room was small, with a bed in one corner, and a desk in the other. The walls had various pictures pinned to it, and there was a small shelf of books on one wall.

Connor looked at Evan and raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously? There's literally two socks on the floor."

Evan picked up the clothes and threw them into a basket.

Connor dropped to the floor, facedown.

Evan rushed over, thinking maybe he'd collapsed.

"Evan, come here."

Connor whispered urgently.

Even laid on the floor beside him on his stomach.

"What is it?"

He whispered.

Connor looked at him.

"Don't you see that?"

He asked.

Evan studied the carpet.

"See what?"

He asked.

"That little speck of dust, I think you forgot to pick it up".

Connor replied in a normal tone, sitting back on his knees.

Evan stood up.

"Shut up."

He pushed Connor, and the boy toppled over, laughing.

Evan sat down on his bed.

Connor sat back up and pushed his hair out of his eyes, still giggling slightly.

He leaned against the bed, nudging Evan's leg

"Tell me something,"

He said.

"Why didn't you ever talk to Zoe?"

Connor asked,

Tilting his head back to look at Evan.

He shrugged.

"Sweaty palms."

He replied.

Connor furrowed his brows.

"Elaborate."

He said.

Evan took a breath, his fingers fiddling with a thread.

"One time, after a jazz band concert, I was going to. I had it all planned out, I was going to tell her I liked the music, and ask her name, and then she would be like 'I'm zoe' and then I would say 'what did you say, Chloe?' And then she'd say 'no, zoe' and I'd be like 'oh, I didn't hear you I'm just so busy'

"Only then I thought about having sweaty palms, because that's gross, and then my palms actually got sweaty, which was stupid, because they weren't even sweaty until I started worrying about them being sweaty, so then I put my hands in my pockets to dry them, only they were still sweaty, they were just very warm now, and I didn't want to talk to her with sweaty palms, so I just left."

Connor let out a deep breath.

"Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard, oh my god."

He laughed bitterly.

"Why didn't you ever talk to her?"

Evan asked defensively.

"She hated me. It was my fault, but she was fine in her world, and that world didn't involve me, so I just left it."

Connor answered.

"We both could have don't better, huh,"

Evan looked down at Connor, who nodded.

"Yeah, we could have."

Connor agreed, remembering how he'd been watching tv when he'd heard a thump from upstairs.

In the end, he'd had to kick her door open to get to her.

He shook the memory away, jumping onto his feet.

"No, were not sitting here being fucking depressed all night."

He walked around he room.

"Okay I have an idea. We're gonna play a game. I'm going to ask you a question, and the you're going to ask me one."

He said,

"Is there any alchohol in the house?"

He asked Evan.

He thought for a minute.

"I think there's a bottle of whiskey somewhere, but it's never been opened. I think mom forgot about it."

He replied.

Connor nodded seriously.

"Perfect, go get it."

He said.

 _This is a bad idea._

He thought to himself as he walked up the stairs with the bottle.

Connor was sitting on his desk.

"Okay, here's the rules.

"We can ask each other a question. _any_ question, and if you choose not to answer it, you have to take a drink."

"This doesn't sound like a good idea."

Evan said.

Connor shook his head.

"We're doing it."

He replied.

Evan sat down reluctantly 

"Okay, fine."

He gave in.

"Okay question one: have you ever drank before?"

Connor asked.

Evan shook his head.

"Why'd you throw the printer at our teacher in third grade?"

He asked Connor.

"She wouldn't let me be the line leader."

He replied without missing a beat.

"If you had to kiss someone, would it be Jared or Me?"

Connor asked.

Evan stuttered.

"I'm not answering that!"

He replied.

Connor opened the bottle.

"Take a drink."

He handed it over to Evan, who took a small sip. It burned.

"No take a bigger drink, like a whole gulp."

Evan complied, coughing violently when he'd swallowed.

"Great, your turn."

Connor said.

Evan coughed for a minute more.

"How long have you been doing drugs?"

He asked.

"No."

Connor replied, taking the bottle from Evan and taking a big swallow.

He coughed as well, though not as violently as Evan had.

 _Of course, he's drunk before._

He thought stupidly.

His face felt hot, and he suddenly felt very brave; something he hadn't felt for a long time.

Connor, brushed his hair behind his ear, an Evan noticed the tips of his ears were beet red. 

"Okay, this is actually kind of boring."

Connor said, taking another swig.

"Tell me about your life."

He said, passing the bottle to Evan, who took a big swallow. 

"It's a long one."

He warned.

Connor shrugged.

"We've got all night."

He replied with a small smile.


	9. Chapter 9a

Connor hung his head as him and Evan walked into school the next morning, his head feeling like someone has taken a hammer to it, and judging by the way Evan was walking, he wasn't feeling much different.

They'd taken aspirin before they'd left the house, opting out of wearing sunglasses to block out the light.

They almost hadn't made it to school, between Evan running to the bathroom to throw up constantly, and Connor trying to do anything to block his senses, which had included tying a bandana around his eyes, shoving earplugs in his ears, and crawling under the bed.

Finally though, Evan had finished, and dragged Connor out from under the bed, handing him a pill and a glass of water.

Then he'd gotten ready, lending Connor a clean shirt.

They'd both gotten out the door in time, although they'd had to run the couple of blocks, both of them out of breath by the time they'd finally gotten there.

Most people had turned their heads to watch them walk by, surprised, he'd guessed, that Evan had a friend, and that out of all people, it was Connor Murphy, the kid who'd thrown a printer at the teacher in third grade.

He'd perfected his glare over the years, which helped as they walked through the hallway, people here and there stopping to look, and whispering among each other.

They split up to go to class, promising to meet afterwards by the theater door.

When school was over, Evan sat by the theater door, waiting for Connor, who he'd expected to be late.

 _Ten minutes exactly._

Evan thought, checking his phone as the other boy came around the corner, his hand over his eyes to block out the light.

"How was your day?"

He asked sarcastically.

Evan smiled.

"Great. Only threw up twice, so..."

He stood up, slinging his backpack over his shoulder and nodding at Connor.

"Dinner at my house?"

He asked, stepping into the building's shadow and dropping his hands from his forehead.

"Will your parents mind, or?"

Evan let the question hang.

Connor waved a hand dismissively.

"Nah,"

He said.

"Besides, they'll want to see the emails."

He started walking, and Evan followed him, walking quickly to keep up with Connor's long strides.

Evan expected Connor to yell when they'd gotten inside, like he did when he knew his mom was home, but Connor just ran up the stairs, Evan following close behind.

He dropped his backpack at the door, sitting down on the desk chair and watching as Connor threw his backpack onto the desk beside Evan, flopping onto his bed 

And brushing his hair out of his face so it fanned out over his pillow.

He exhaled softly, closing his eyes and rolling so he faced Evan.

Evan watched him curiously, looking away every couple of seconds in case the boy opened his eyes.

Within minutes, Connor had fallen asleep, his breathing levelling out and deepening.

Evan smiled to himself, grabbing his backpack from the doorway and sitting down next to the bed. He leaned back against Connor's knee, moving slowly so he didn't wake the boy.

He unzipped his backpack and took out a book he was supposed to be writing a paper on.

Eventually, he got bored and, setting the book down, scooted forward, laying on his back so he was looking at Connor, who was now hanging halfway off the side of the bed.

Evan watched him quietly, studying the planes and lines of his face, memorizing the patterns of his breathing.

Connor rolled over suddenly, off the bed and onto Evan, who was still laying on the floor. Connor woke up immediately, scrambling to get up. 

Evan grunted as Connor's elbow slammed into his stomach, his arm shooting out and colliding with Connor's nose.

The boy scrambled backwards, laying back on the floor and bringing his hand up to his face, groaning when it came away bloody.

"I'll get some tissues?"

Evan asked hesitantly.

Connor nodded, still holding his nose.

Evan rushed to the bathroom, digging around for something to stop the bleeding.

After finding a box of Kleenex, he rushed back to the room and handed the box to Connor, who's hand was covered in blood, and was using his shirt to staunch the flow.

Evan's eyes widened, panicking by at how much blood there was.

"WHY IS THERE SO MUCH BLOOD ARE YOU DYING?!"

His breathing sped up, his heart racing.

Connor shook his head, taking the box and grabbing a handful of tissues.

"I'b dot dying."

He said dryly, holding the tissues to his nose.

"Dis idn'd even dat buchblood."

Evan looked at him in disbelief.

"Not that much blood? Your shirt is covered!"

Connor looked down at himself as if just noticing that his shirt was soaked.

Shrugging dismissively, he peeled it off, throwing it on the floor next to Evan, who looked away from him abruptly.

He started using the tissue to wipe away the blood. He looked up at Evan, who was blushing profusely and staring at the floor, and snorted.

"Does dis bake you uncomfortable?"

Connor asked suggestively, making an amused noise and going back to cleaning off the blood.

His mom yelled that dinner was ready, saving Evan from having to form any kind of response.

"Can we see the emails?"

Connor's mom asked when they'd finished dinner. 

Evan looked to Connor, who shrugged and nodded his chin towards the stairs.

Evan ran up to grab the computer, almost tripping over a footstool on his way back to the kitchen.

He handed the laptop to Connor, who set it on the table, opening it and pulling up the website.

His mom called his dad over, the two of them sitting down to read the emails.

Connor's mom read through them quickly, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

She looked up finally, her expression confused and sad.

"Zoe didn't drink, why does this say she drank?"

She asked quietly, her gaze landing on Evan, who looked over to Connor, who was shrinking into himself, his expression one of controlled panic.

"I uh, I d-don't know I-I-I"

Evan started shaking, his mouth continuing to try and form words that his brain couldn't manage to find.

In a deep part of him, Connor realised that he should he should step in and try to help, but in a completely different part of him, he remembered 

The bruises that had bloomed on his skin after a particular night a couple of months ago, and that part of him never forgot the fear and anguish that he'd spent days in, and that kept him rooted to where he was standing in the doorway.

He stood still and silent as his mother screamed every mean thing she could at the other boy, who had started sobbing and was now sitting on the floor curled up into a ball, not even bothering to try and cover his ears.

That went on for about ten minutes before she too sank to the floor sobbing. 

Connor and his dad looked at each other and then back to the pair on the floor, and silently decided to wait it out.

Eventually Evan stood up, still sobbing,

And ran past Connor and out the door.

Connor thought distantly that he should run after the boy, but stayed where he was, watching as his father gently pulled his mother up off the floor, and started walking her to their room, shooting Connor a look that meant,

"I'll deal with you later."

Connor blinked after them, watching as they went into their room and shut the door behind them. 

He could still hear his mother's sobs through the door, so he looked away, his gaze landing instead on a small black object laying on the floor. He realised that Evan must have dropped it when he'd been on the floor.

He knelt on the floor, letting put a short laugh as he picked it up, not having noticed that it was a beat up flip phone.

That fact snapped him out of his daze and he pocketed the phone, grabbing his bag and scribbling a quick note to his parents before rushing out the door after Evan.


	10. Chapter 9b

Connor probably spent three hours looking for Evan.

He'd started at the other boy's house, and when no one answered, he'd figured Evan hadn't come home and spent he next three hours alternating between looking around town and Evan's house. 

Eventually he decided that Evan didn't want to be found, and he just sat on Evan's porch.

His pocket buzzed, and he pulled Evan's phone out, flipping it open to see that it was at five percent. 

He smiled at the background, which was a slightly blurry picture of a tree in the middle of a field.

He knew that tree. 

It was the one at the orchard he'd gone to as a kid, the one him and Zoe had scared their parents half to death with how high they'd gone.

His eyes stung with tears at the memory, and he blinked them away quickly, closing the phone abruptly and shoving it back into his pocket.

He stood up and stretched, deciding to just go home.

He'd left the door unlocked, and It was unlikely that his mother or father had locked it, especially considering where they lived.

He slipped inside quietly, shutting the door softly and creeping up the stairs.

The floor creaked as he passed Zoe's room, and he paused, taking in the bright and glittery stickers that she'd stuck on her door as a child.

His father had hated them, and made her take them off whenever she put them on, sometimes making her stay up late into he night picking them off, but they always somehow managed to reappear within a couple of days, something that Zoe always denied fault for.

Connor reached for the doorknob and turned it, opening the door hesitantly, as if she were in there and would yell at him for not knocking, but when he turned the light on, he saw no one.

He stepped inside, shutting the door behind him and taking a look around.

He could count the number of times he'd been in here since he was twelve on one hand, but the room hadn't changed much, aside from the blankets on the bed and the posters on the wall.

The walls were still the gross shade of pink that his sister had picked out when their mother had told her to pick a shade of pink, a color that she hadn't disliked until that day, but after that she'd hated it with a passion, erasing it from everything she could.

He understood that.

He'd picked the darkest shade of blue he could find when he'd been told to pick a shade of blue, and had done his best to dislike the color as well.

That was something they'd had in common.

He walked around her room, his fingers brushing over her things as if he could find her in these things.

He went through old boxes in her closet, smiling at the things he found, like her tshirt for the year she'd joined jazz band.

He took out her guitar and strummed it softly, remembering how well she'd played it.

He was about to leave when he saw the piece of paper laying on her desk, stark white against the brown wood.

He picked it up, reading over it slowly and taking every word in.

She knew they'd find her with the letter, and was smart enough to know they'd think it was hers.

Even though _she_ hadn't actually written a note, she'd used these words as her goodbye, and that was something.

He held the letter to his chest, closing his arms tightly around himself.

Letting out a shaky breath, he fell into her bed and curled into a ball and, surrounded by the memories of his sister and her life, fell asleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Evan ran home in tears, replaying the things Connor's mom had said to him.

Every bad thing about himself that he'd tried to repress and not think about, every little wound and cut he'd bandaged up neatly, ripped open for people to see, and the pain of it was threatening to suffocate him.

He ran home almost blindly, not really even registering that he was running until he stopped, feet stinging and lungs burning.

He collapsed inside his doorway, not even bothering to lock the door.

And he let the sobs wrack his body, wave after wave after wave, until he was heaving for breath, his body hurt everywhere.

He was used to this, although it hadn't happened for a couple of weeks, and eventually he was just empty, no emotion left. 

He laid in the entryway most of the night, surrounded by his thoughts.

At one point, Connor knocked on the door, but Evan ignored him, and eventually he went away.

"Evan!"

Connor yelled across the hallway.

Evan turned his head away and closed his locker, walking away before Connor could get through the crowd.

"Evan!"

He yelled again, pushing people out of his way.

Evan quickened his pace.

Connor grabbed Evan's arm, and he turned, shooting a murderous look at Connor before ripping his hand away, leaving Connor staring after him with a look of sorrow, not that Evan saw it.

The rest of the day flew by in a haze, which Evan was glad for, he hated school. 

Connor didn't seem to have gotten the hint, and he kept trying to talk to Evan, who ignored him every time.

At the end of the day, as Evan was walking out of the building, someone grabbed him and pulled him into a classroom, he wasn't surprised to see Connor, who was standing in front of the door, arms crossed and a look of determination on his face.

"Let me out, Connor."

Evan said in a low voice.

Connor shook his head.

"Talk to me."

Evan walked to Connor, who stood almost a foot taller than him, and tried pushing him out of the way.

"Open the door,"

Evan was starting to raise his voice, something he never did.

Connor shook his head again.

"You can't keep ignoring me."

He responded.

"Watch me."

Evan replied, sitting down at one of the desks and opening his backpack, pulling out a book he was supposed to write a paper on.

The book was ripped out of his hand, and Connor threw it at the wall.

"TALK TO ME!"

He yelled, slamming his fist on the desk.

Evan stood up, fists balled.

"Fine, where were you?!"

He yelled back.

A looked of confusion passed over Connor's face.

"What?"

He asked.

"Where the fuck were you when I was getting screamed at?"

Evan yelled.

"I'm so sorry."

Connor said softly.

"Every single thing that I _hate_ about myself, every fucking thing that I try not to think about, that I push down every fucking day because I hate it Connor, I _HATE_ IT, screamed at me, because of _YOU_!"

Evan pointed accusingly.

"And you know What, Connor? I was finally like, 'hey this fucking druggie that everyone hates? He isn't actually so bad' And then I thought, 'No, this is the kid who threw a printer at the teacher in third grade', a fucking printer, Connor. And then I thought 'Maybe no one gives a shit about him and that's why he's such a dick. Maybe if I could show him that someone accepts him, we could actually be friends.'

"But no, you're just another rich kid who thinks he's different, who does exactly what every kid rebelling does, who keeps himself away from everyone because he thinks it's cool."

Connor opened his mouth to reply.

"No, listen!"

Evan yelled.

"I didn't even want to write the fucking letters, okay? I wanted to tell them the truth, that Zoe didn't write any suicide letter, that we weren't even friends."

He pointed accusingly.

"You're the one who fucking told me to lie. 'It'll blow over' my ass, you want everyone to think you hate everyone because you're _so_ cool, Connor. You pretend to be this edgy cool guy, but you're not, okay?

You push everyone away because you can't even accept yourself, so why the fuck would anyone else accept you?"

Evan's voice had gone softer now, and he looked drained.

"you're a coward, Connor Murphy."

He took a short breath.

"That's all you are."

He finished, shaking his head and walking out of the room, not even bothering to grab his stuff.


	12. Chapter 12

Alana was a very lucky person.

That was the only explanation for her life.

Everything she did, she accomplished perfectly, including school, sports, theatre, and the school newspaper.

The newspaper was just a fun thing she did on the side, and anyways, she only ran the gossip column.

It wasn't going to help much getting her into a good college, but a girl's gotta have _some_ fun, right?

She ran the online column and the paper one, the school had enough drama that her stories never crossed over.

She was on her way to theater practice when she passed by a closed door and paused when she heard yelling.

She quickly pulled her phone out and recorded what she could. 

As she peeked through the small window, she was surprised to see Evan and Connor. She hadn't even known they were friends, I mean she had seen Connor shove Evan onto the floor earlier this week, so it must be new, right?

It was her job to make sure the students knew what was going on in their own school, who had the time to find out all the gossip themselves?

The door flew open, and Evan rushed passed her, would have collided with her if she hadn't moved just in time.

She was worried he'd ask why she was there, but he didn't even seem to notice her standing there, just ran out of the building as fast as he could.

She decided to leave before Connor came out.

She smiled inwardly.

She would have an interesting story to work on tonight.

If she stayed up late, she could even get it published by the morning.


	13. Chapter 13

Walking into school the next morning was strange for both Evan and Connor, like that feeling when you're in a gas station convenience store past midnight.

Something like that.

All eyes, it seemed, were trained on Evan as he walked through the halls, trying to figure out if people were actually whispering about him if it was his anxiety talking.

He was getting shoved around more often than usual, but it could have just been a bad day. 

For everyone.

It wasn't until after lunch that someone finally confronted him.

"What's up, dipshit?"

Richie Davis pushed him against a wall, grabbing his collar.

"Lying about a dead girl for your own benfit? Pretty shitty thing to do, Hansen."

He pulled his fist back and slammed it into Evan's jaw.

He groaned in pain as Richie let him go and walked off laughing.

 _How did he find out?_

He wondered, somewhat dazed as he stood up, rubbing his jaw, and as he looked around the hall at the people still whispering and pointing he realized with panic that somehow, every knew.

Connor's day passed much the same, though no one dared punch him.

At one point he tracked down Jared and asked him what was going on.

Jared simply told him to check Alana's column and walked away swiftly.

Connor did so with dawning horror as he read the newest gossip that had been published that morning for the entire school to see.

He slipped a note into Evan's locker telling him to meet him after school, and then he waited, hoping Evan would decide to come.

Finally, when Connor was about to give up and leave, he spotted a hunched-over figure walking towards him.

The other boy's head was down, and he was staring at the floor intently.

"We need to talk."

Connor said.

"I know about the article Connor."

Evan mumbled, still not looking up.

Connor sighed.

"Are you okay?"

He asked, trying to get Evan to look up.

He did so, staring defiantly into Connor's eyes, and he noticed Evan had a large bruise on his jaw.

His fingers twitched to touch it, but he stopped himself, mostly because of the look on Evan's face, which was a mix of anger and shame.

"I'm fine."

He replied with controlled hatred.

He pushed passed Connor and walked out the doors.

Connor watched as he walked away, until he was just a speck, and then nothing at all.


	14. Chapter 14

Evan slept fine until about four in the morning.

That's when the messages started coming in.

When he opened his eyes, he couldn't even figure out why he'd woken up, until he realised there was a buzzing noise in the room.

He sat up groggily, trying to place where it was coming from.

As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he realized it was his phone.

No one ever messaged him.

He stood up and walked over to where his phone was plugged in on his desk.

He stared at the screen, blinking in the light.

His eyes widened as he realised what the messages were about.

He unlocked the phone and started reading through them, scrolling slowly as his throat tightened. 

He blinked back tears as they kept coming in, some new version of hundreds others, the only thing changing were the swear words and the ways he should off himself.

He turned the phone off, throwing it onto his bed and sinking to the floor as the sobs came in, wave after wave until he was curled into a ball, taking his hands through his hair as he ran and re-ran the emails and texts.

 _How did they get my number?_

His breath caught and he choked on a sob, standing up to look out the window. 

The yard was empty, thankfully, but his phone was still buzzing.

He picked it up and realised someone was calling him.

He answered it reluctantly, holding It up to his ear.

"Hello?"

He whispered.

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're going to hell for this, Hansen."

A voice spoke into his ear as tears stung his eyes.

Evan hung up quickly, staring at the screen.

It started ringing again almost immediately.

"Please leave me alone."

He whispered, his voice resonating through his room as tears fell freely down his cheeks.

His mom wasn't home, it didn't matter if he made noise.

He touched his jaw, still tender from being punched, and winced.

The phone was still buzzing.

He threw open the door to his closet and, shoving the phone under a pile of clothes, slammed the door.

He walked backwards until his calves hit the edge of his bed.

He sank down to the floor, head in his hands as he sobbed.

Connor was used to getting texts from strangers at night.

This was an occupational hazard of being someone people loved to hate.

To be fair, he gave them plenty of reason, but the sheer number surprised him.

 _Did I do something?_

He wondered groggily as he rubbed the sleep from eyes and grabbed his phone from his nightstand. 

It wouldn't be the first time that had happened, as drugs made you do stupid things and not remember it.

He sighed as he realized what the main focus of the messages seemed to be.

He'd truly had the best intentions when he'd written those emails, but looking back, it was a shitty idea.

He turned the phone off and set it back down, pulling the covers up over his head.

"Connor!"

A shrill voice woke him, probably his mother;

He pushed his hair out of his face clumsily, poking himself in the eye as a result.

He groaned, rubbing his face as he picked up his phone.

The messages were still coming in.

Rolling his eyes, he threw it into his bag and got up to get dressed.

As he pulled on his boots, he could still hear the buzzing through the fabric of his bag.

He slung it over his shoulder and walked out of the room.

Zipping up his hoodie, 

He ran down the stairs and out the door before his parents noticed him.

His father had hidden the keys to Zoe's car, so that wasn't an option.

He knew where they were, of course, but he didn't have the energy to go back inside. Instead he walked down the driveway, pulling his hair back into a loose bun.

He almost walked past his mailbox, but stopped when he noticed it was full.

That was new.

Although he could guess why it was full, his curiousity got the better of him and he pulled it out, leafing through the pile.

 _It's been less than twenty-four hours, what the actual fuck._

He shoved the stack into his bag, bills and all, and pulled out his cell phone, which was still buzzing.

White-hot rage flooded his bodily suddenly, and he threw his phone on the ground, stomping on it repeatedly.

Nodding with satisfaction, he pulled his hood up over his head and started walking.


End file.
